Hellow friends and followers,
I know it’s been a while sorry for gust dropping off the face of the planet like that so let me fill you in a bit.
Christmas and New years is a difficulty time for me I tend to retreat from people around that time for a while then pop back up again but I got bissy with things I had to do, I got a new tent for witch I worked hard making a platform for so to have a nice place to set my new tent up on, witch isn’t easy with one bum arm and a bad back but I got it done. Shortly after finding out my family was moving out of state so I had to move my stuff that I had left to my tent witch gust wor me out even more phisicly and mentally. After they had left I crashed hard into a manic state ( depression) gone right off the edge almost into suicide again but not quite, I’ve spent the last couple of months trying to pull myself back out of that manic state of mind and really get back to doing something.
On the bright side of things that time off of doing nothing has allowed my arm to heal back up so it’s not hurting like hell 24/7 anymore tell I do something to nock it out of wack again.
I’ll be trying to get back on WP more often now, I’m sorry to everyone who’s comments I haven’t answered too I’ll be trying to get back on top of that again as well.
BY FOR NOW
For practically all of my adult life I have been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts, most of it I believe exstianes from my being trans and the way the world looked at people like me and the way the world treated people like me. I never even noticed that I had depression tell I started having suicidal thoughts, thinking suicide was the only way out of this mess of a life I now had and the fact that I couldn’t say with any real certainty what I was just made things worse. As the years pasted by I drank heavier and heavier and sleeped fearther down the rabbit hole of depression tell I could no longer see the light of day and nothing mattered at all, I drank very heavily at night trying to get alcohol poisoning to die and when that didn’t work I tried a moltitued of things over the years to camite suicide. I didn’t stop trying tell about 6 year’s ago when I had my awakening, that was the day my suppressed memories came back from my childhood and then I knew What I was and I no longer had a death wish ( for a while anyway ) I joined a LGBT+ website for support and worked hard at trying to fix my brocken life, I realized why my suicide attempts had failed because for the support I got I gave back to people all around the world if I had died I wouldn’t be hear to help others. But for all my hard work and thinking I had beat my depression it came back and hit me hard 3 year’s ago around the year end holidays it got so bad that I tried to camite suicide by taking 500 500miligram Asperan and drinking a 6 pack of beer it rezolted in making me very sick the next day and for days after that. That was the last suicide attempt, iv realized I will probably always had depression and suicidal thoughts but the trick is not to give in to the depression and the little voice wispering in your ear to give up because you always have more work to do and people like you to help.
BY FOR NOW
I escaped pergatory I walked throw the vally of the dead crossed the river sticks and crowded throw the deep dark pitts of hell just to see the other side of hell were the living dead rezid we’re pashone of heart means nothing to the heartless zombie’s of hell that destroy all things in their wake futal time wasted to save anything for this is hell and all things here die !!!
BY FOR NOW
This is a basic summary of my life up till now, I don’t intend to go into detail about everything just trying to cover the basics of it all for those who are interested in knowing more about me.
I was born in a military hospital premature with 4’th stage namonya I died 3 times in the first 8’hrs and had a number of problems as a result of being a preme but my body managed to pull it together. I don’t have a clear memory of my childhood do to suppressed memories but here is what I do remember. My father was an abusive drunk, depending on his mood when he came home from work you would get yelled at or get your ass kicked because he was in a bad mood and I don’t think it helped anything that I was a girly boy as they us to say. That was also the problem I had with my mother, she seen me as a gay guy for all my questions and the way I acted and when I got chot wearing girls clothes by my mother I got my ass beat for it and told how sick and discusting it was too do that. Things weren’t much better when I started school as well, I was the girly boy that got beat up by the boys and I was the problem child to the teachers for being a girly boy and because of my learning problems and so I got my ass beat by the principal in elementary school for being a problem child all the time. ( I think you can see the pattern of abuse here, This kind of abuse was tipical in the 70’s ) During this time period I was diagnosed with severe Dislexya and a hearing problem that’s why I couldn’t read or write like other kids my age, as well as being diagnosed with scolyowses. So my early childhood wasn’t much fun, physical therapy 3 times a week, being forced to read for hours every night, gone to doctors every other day for my hearing and my eyes and phycologist to find out what was wrong with me. By the time I got into middle School things weren’t much better I was still getting into fights for being a girly boy and getting abused physically and mentally by my father but things had changed with my mother as I had suppressed my memories and was trying to live as the kind of person she wanted me to be. By the time I get into high school I wasn’t getting into many fights because I had astabllished I was qwit crazy and out for blood if you messed with me, as well I had put a end to my father’s physical abuse by hitting him with a shovel and nocking him out but that didn’t stop the verbal abuse. The first legal job I had the woman was a mouthy verbally abusive bitch and that set the pressedent for most of the jobs I’ve had in my life verbally abusive ass holes. After high school I relinted to my mother’s and brothers nagging to go to college ( boy was that a mees ) I was verbally abused and harassed tell I blew my top resulting in property damages of all kinds but no actual fist fights. College for me was nothing but a wast of time it’s never helped me get a job. After college I went from job after job after job ( I was used as temporary help then fired ) so I got tired of that and moved to Florida to find work. But ended up rate back at working construction, 3/4 of my money went to helping out a family member who screwed me over in the end. That was about the time my depression started to kick in and I said the hell with it all and went to work for a guy under the table and living with them, things were alright for a while but slowly went down hill as I did more and more of the work for lease and lease money and being verbally abused more and more, but I really don’t care as my depression became full blown all I cared about was getting drunk at night and diying, after ten years he wasn’t paying me anything and was bitching about anything he did have to buy and saying all the time I should be paying him for taking care of me when I was the only one doing all the work for his business and his verbal abuse was border line on physical abuse but he wasn’t brave enough to cross that line with me as I told him I would kill him if he put his hands on me, so one night after getting into a argument with him I left and went to work for another verbally abusive ass holes, more of the same shit for another 14+years. I was nearly 6 years ago now that I had my awakening, I’ve worked hard at trying to fix my life the last step was leaving that hell hole witch I did and that is why I’m homeless now but it’s better than putting up with a abusive ass hole and working my ass off for very little money.
BY FOR NOW
I am damaged
I am brocken
I am a mees
I am held together with strings of hope
Never have I been hole
Never will I be hole
Peaces of me are missing in the eternal abyss
Peaces of me have never existed
I am the unfinished puppet that sits on the shelf of unwanted toys !!!
BY FOR NOW
The child within
Doesn’t understand fear
Doesn’t understand hate
Doesn’t understand greed
Doesn’t understand bigetry
Doesn’t understand resentment
The child within talk’s to death
The child within askes is it time yet
The child within askes can’t I go home
The child within askes how much more do I have to do for the world
The child within only seks love and acceptance
BY FOR NOW
These are two blog’s I ran across that I think are worth checking out.
The first one is ” https;//jamesedgarskye.com/ ” The Bipolar Writer, it’s a blog based on Mental illnic with many guests writers on the site writing about their experience with mental illnic. It’s a great blog.
The second one is this ” https;//aguycalledbloke.blog/ ” A guy called bloke and K9 Doodlepip, Rory’s blog is a colosh of many different post/sires on one blog you need to check it out to see what I mean, it’s a great blog.
BY FOR NOW
Finding self love or learning to love your self for who you are is one of the hardest things to do and it’s even harder if you have a mental illnic that wispers in your ear all the time telling you that your no good or if you had a bad child hood.
Having it ingraned in your mind that your no good makes it very hard to believe that you really are good and deserving of love.
I should know I’ve been there and i still have to fight with those bad thoughts from depression.
I had to learn the past is the past and theirs nothing you can do to change that so there is no need to hold on to those thoughts, forgive and let go.
I had to learn that even though I’m very different from most people their are people out there that will respect and love me for the person I am as I am.
I had to learn to respect my self for what I am and that I have self worth.
With this lessons learned I was able to start loving my self for the person I am and have honer and respect for my self.
It doesn’t matter what other people think of me because I know who I am and I love my self for who I am, I found my self love and no one can take that away from me !!!
I have written out this basic model for finding your self love in hopes it can help someone else, this is the model I used to find my self love.
No it will not fix all your problem’s but it will make you happier in your life and give you a different perspective on life.
BY FOR NOW
The pain cut deep and slow from within
as it begins again from within
you try to hold it back under your hat
so not to look a fool for weeping like that
but the shame on top of the pain
wants you to do just that
as you fight it back
they would not understand
the pain your in again
as you lose it all again.
BY FOR NOW
Sorry everyone but this will probably be my last post for a while ( see my last post for the details ).
Now I’m just gonna ramble on about my life abit.
I’ve never had a easy life that’s for sure as a child I had a rare growth disorder were my bone structure grow twice as fast as the rest of my body causing severe pain in my muscles as they were stretched to their bracking point everyday and to add to that I was diagnosed with scolyowses so I had to go to physical therapy 3 days a week and I was diagnosed with cronic degradation of the ear drums and I had a birth defect in my reproductive organs, so my childhood was mostly spent in pain and getting shofold around from doctor to doctor being pocked and prodded and in and out of the hospital for ear surgery and stiches for severe cuts ( cosd by many different things ) and my teenage years into adolthood was about the same in and out of the hospital for something or another, I brock my tail bone in my early twenties and some how herniated 3 discs in my lower back around the same time but I don’t slow down I went full tilt into reclise abandonement of my body, now at 44 year’s old I have a bulging disc in the middle of my back, my right shoulder is messed up, I have a couple of ribs on the left side messed up, my right hip is messed up, my right knee is messed up and I have a nurological problem with my right leg making it hard to walk right, I’m half def, my eyes are gone bad and I have swelling in my lower legs making it hard to crotch-down, so I’m no stranger to physical pain but it’s to much to beable to work throw any more doing physical labor, now add on top of that my depression and anxiety and you have one “F”ed up life.
Everywhere I go to try and get help I get the same basic reaction of ” OMG your disabled “sorry we can’t help you”, iv been doing this for years now gone around and around with the brocken system we have if you’re disabled and poor there’s no help for you your on your own and the same goes for if you’re homeless around here and the city has made sure to make it as hard as possible on you to just survive as they don’t want homeless people around.
I’m not trying to wine and complain here but make a point that this is my “F”ed up life and this is what I have to deal with, I don’t blame anyone for it I’m the one that wasted my 20’s and 30’s in suicidal depression and anxiety working under the table for a couple of chep ass’s and getting nowere in life. I’ve spent the last 5 year’s trying to fix my brocken life and get past my depression and anxiety witch I thought I had for the most part but it’s pulling me back down again with all that is going on now in my life.
If you’ve read throw all this thank you for your time.
❤️ ✌️ BY FOR NOW