This is a basic summary of my life up till now, I don’t intend to go into detail about everything just trying to cover the basics of it all for those who are interested in knowing more about me.
I was born in a military hospital premature with 4’th stage namonya I died 3 times in the first 8’hrs and had a number of problems as a result of being a preme but my body managed to pull it together. I don’t have a clear memory of my childhood do to suppressed memories but here is what I do remember. My father was an abusive drunk, depending on his mood when he came home from work you would get yelled at or get your ass kicked because he was in a bad mood and I don’t think it helped anything that I was a girly boy as they us to say. That was also the problem I had with my mother, she seen me as a gay guy for all my questions and the way I acted and when I got chot wearing girls clothes by my mother I got my ass beat for it and told how sick and discusting it was too do that. Things weren’t much better when I started school as well, I was the girly boy that got beat up by the boys and I was the problem child to the teachers for being a girly boy and because of my learning problems and so I got my ass beat by the principal in elementary school for being a problem child all the time. ( I think you can see the pattern of abuse here, This kind of abuse was tipical in the 70’s ) During this time period I was diagnosed with severe Dislexya and a hearing problem that’s why I couldn’t read or write like other kids my age, as well as being diagnosed with scolyowses. So my early childhood wasn’t much fun, physical therapy 3 times a week, being forced to read for hours every night, gone to doctors every other day for my hearing and my eyes and phycologist to find out what was wrong with me. By the time I got into middle School things weren’t much better I was still getting into fights for being a girly boy and getting abused physically and mentally by my father but things had changed with my mother as I had suppressed my memories and was trying to live as the kind of person she wanted me to be. By the time I get into high school I wasn’t getting into many fights because I had astabllished I was qwit crazy and out for blood if you messed with me, as well I had put a end to my father’s physical abuse by hitting him with a shovel and nocking him out but that didn’t stop the verbal abuse. The first legal job I had the woman was a mouthy verbally abusive bitch and that set the pressedent for most of the jobs I’ve had in my life verbally abusive ass holes. After high school I relinted to my mother’s and brothers nagging to go to college ( boy was that a mees ) I was verbally abused and harassed tell I blew my top resulting in property damages of all kinds but no actual fist fights. College for me was nothing but a wast of time it’s never helped me get a job. After college I went from job after job after job ( I was used as temporary help then fired ) so I got tired of that and moved to Florida to find work. But ended up rate back at working construction, 3/4 of my money went to helping out a family member who screwed me over in the end. That was about the time my depression started to kick in and I said the hell with it all and went to work for a guy under the table and living with them, things were alright for a while but slowly went down hill as I did more and more of the work for lease and lease money and being verbally abused more and more, but I really don’t care as my depression became full blown all I cared about was getting drunk at night and diying, after ten years he wasn’t paying me anything and was bitching about anything he did have to buy and saying all the time I should be paying him for taking care of me when I was the only one doing all the work for his business and his verbal abuse was border line on physical abuse but he wasn’t brave enough to cross that line with me as I told him I would kill him if he put his hands on me, so one night after getting into a argument with him I left and went to work for another verbally abusive ass holes, more of the same shit for another 14+years. I was nearly 6 years ago now that I had my awakening, I’ve worked hard at trying to fix my life the last step was leaving that hell hole witch I did and that is why I’m homeless now but it’s better than putting up with a abusive ass hole and working my ass off for very little money.
BY FOR NOW
I am damaged
I am brocken
I am a mees
I am held together with strings of hope
Never have I been hole
Never will I be hole
Peaces of me are missing in the eternal abyss
Peaces of me have never existed
I am the unfinished puppet that sits on the shelf of unwanted toys !!!
BY FOR NOW
These are two blog’s I ran across that I think are worth checking out.
The first one is ” https;//jamesedgarskye.com/ ” The Bipolar Writer, it’s a blog based on Mental illnic with many guests writers on the site writing about their experience with mental illnic. It’s a great blog.
The second one is this ” https;//aguycalledbloke.blog/ ” A guy called bloke and K9 Doodlepip, Rory’s blog is a colosh of many different post/sires on one blog you need to check it out to see what I mean, it’s a great blog.
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Finding self love or learning to love your self for who you are is one of the hardest things to do and it’s even harder if you have a mental illnic that wispers in your ear all the time telling you that your no good or if you had a bad child hood.
Having it ingraned in your mind that your no good makes it very hard to believe that you really are good and deserving of love.
I should know I’ve been there and i still have to fight with those bad thoughts from depression.
I had to learn the past is the past and theirs nothing you can do to change that so there is no need to hold on to those thoughts, forgive and let go.
I had to learn that even though I’m very different from most people their are people out there that will respect and love me for the person I am as I am.
I had to learn to respect my self for what I am and that I have self worth.
With this lessons learned I was able to start loving my self for the person I am and have honer and respect for my self.
It doesn’t matter what other people think of me because I know who I am and I love my self for who I am, I found my self love and no one can take that away from me !!!
I have written out this basic model for finding your self love in hopes it can help someone else, this is the model I used to find my self love.
No it will not fix all your problem’s but it will make you happier in your life and give you a different perspective on life.
BY FOR NOW
The pain cut deep and slow from within
as it begins again from within
you try to hold it back under your hat
so not to look a fool for weeping like that
but the shame on top of the pain
wants you to do just that
as you fight it back
they would not understand
the pain your in again
as you lose it all again.
BY FOR NOW
Sorry everyone but this will probably be my last post for a while ( see my last post for the details ).
Now I’m just gonna ramble on about my life abit.
I’ve never had a easy life that’s for sure as a child I had a rare growth disorder were my bone structure grow twice as fast as the rest of my body causing severe pain in my muscles as they were stretched to their bracking point everyday and to add to that I was diagnosed with scolyowses so I had to go to physical therapy 3 days a week and I was diagnosed with cronic degradation of the ear drums and I had a birth defect in my reproductive organs, so my childhood was mostly spent in pain and getting shofold around from doctor to doctor being pocked and prodded and in and out of the hospital for ear surgery and stiches for severe cuts ( cosd by many different things ) and my teenage years into adolthood was about the same in and out of the hospital for something or another, I brock my tail bone in my early twenties and some how herniated 3 discs in my lower back around the same time but I don’t slow down I went full tilt into reclise abandonement of my body, now at 44 year’s old I have a bulging disc in the middle of my back, my right shoulder is messed up, I have a couple of ribs on the left side messed up, my right hip is messed up, my right knee is messed up and I have a nurological problem with my right leg making it hard to walk right, I’m half def, my eyes are gone bad and I have swelling in my lower legs making it hard to crotch-down, so I’m no stranger to physical pain but it’s to much to beable to work throw any more doing physical labor, now add on top of that my depression and anxiety and you have one “F”ed up life.
Everywhere I go to try and get help I get the same basic reaction of ” OMG your disabled “sorry we can’t help you”, iv been doing this for years now gone around and around with the brocken system we have if you’re disabled and poor there’s no help for you your on your own and the same goes for if you’re homeless around here and the city has made sure to make it as hard as possible on you to just survive as they don’t want homeless people around.
I’m not trying to wine and complain here but make a point that this is my “F”ed up life and this is what I have to deal with, I don’t blame anyone for it I’m the one that wasted my 20’s and 30’s in suicidal depression and anxiety working under the table for a couple of chep ass’s and getting nowere in life. I’ve spent the last 5 year’s trying to fix my brocken life and get past my depression and anxiety witch I thought I had for the most part but it’s pulling me back down again with all that is going on now in my life.
If you’ve read throw all this thank you for your time.
❤️ ✌️ BY FOR NOW
A multy spectrum poet.
Ever so slowly the dark incroches
as the light inches away
the darkness insows
ever getting darker
as the light retreats
tell nothing remains but the pitch black
BY FOR NOW
I know it’s been awhile since I’ve been around that’s because things haven’t been going so well, so hear’s how things have been.
At the start of April I ran out of money on my food stamps ( EBT ) FDC doesn’t tell you your card renew’s when it’s activated their form letter tell’s you it renew’s throwout the month so I had to panhandle to get money to eat tell my card renewed on the 18, so I had little time to sit around and charge my phone during the day at the library besides that the lady that runs the place was making excuses to run me off because of me being homeless. After my card renewed I learned how long I had before it would be renewed again and to watch my spending, I was doing quite well with it tell some no-good ass pickpocketed me at the store and took my EBT card I called it in and had it cansoled they said I would get my new card in 5 to 7 working days but that never happened, I finally had a nuff of the hole EBT card thing and just let it go, besides there was a lot I couldn’t buy with it anyway that I needed cash for. My brother has helped me out as much as he could and the rest I have gotten from kind people helping me out. I found a store where I can charge my phone during the day they don’t mind me being there because I don’t bug the customer’s gone in and out and now I have a rechargeable battery pack so I don’t have to worry about my phone gone dead on me the only problem with it is it takes a very long time to charge because it’s 16,000 mla.
I don’t know how it is in other states but hear in FL it’s illegal to panhandle you can be arrested and spend 48 hrs in jail so I don’t panhandle that often I mainly reli on kind heart people to help me out so sometimes I have money for food and supplies and other times I do with out, I know it’s not a very good system but it keeps me out of jail and besides that it helps keep my anxiety attached down.
I’m not living on the street’s anymore I get out my tint and set it up out in the woods after getting rained on all night long one night it’s peaceful for the most part where I’m at but the Armadillo’s are a nuisance especially when they come snooping up against your tint looking for bug’s to eat in the middle of the night and the raccoons especially when there fighting off and on all night long it sounds like cats fighting.
Well it’s 2 am now so I should rap this up now and try and get some sleep I think this cover’s the basics of things.
Love and peace to you all.
BY FOR NOW
Well a couple of month’s ago i left the hell hole i was in to try and start over agine to make a better life for my self and start to transition. Well like everything Life had a different idea, iv looked and applied for job’s that i thought i could physically do as im disabled but to no avale. Now im unemployed, brock and homeless, iv tryed to be happy and motivated pusing me self way out side me comforte zone and my anxiety level.
Now im just F’ed !!!
BY FOR NOW